suddenly the light went out


                   Everything was normal while we sat there typing up our embarrassing story when the announcement came. “this is not a drill students we have an escaped convict running through the halls!” our principals voice yelled louder than we have ever heard it. Suddenly the lights went out and everyone ran to the cloak rooms most silently the rest whispering in hushed voices. I sat hearing some voices say “this is it bye.” But all I could think was no not yet. That’s when we heared the gunshot fire. I remembered Ella a quiet, shy, kind girl, had gone to the washroom minutes before and stared in horror as blood pooled under the door.

Comments

  1. Annabeth27 February 2017 at 17:04

    “this is not a drill students we have an escaped convict running through the halls!” You forgot to capitalize the beginning of this sentence. And the sentence after that, our principals voice yelled louder than we have ever heard it. You need to capitalized 'our' and it should be 'principal's voice' because the voice belongs to the principal.Also change 'than we have ever heard it before' to read, 'than we had ever heard it before'. Our principal's voice yelled louder than we had ever heard it before.
    The next sentence, Suddenly the lights went out and everyone ran to the cloak rooms most silently the rest whispering in hushed voices. Re-write to read, Suddenly the lights went out and everyone ran to the cloak rooms. Most of us went silently so not to be heard, but the others were whispering in hushed voices.
    Maybe change this sentence, I sat hearing some voices say “this is it bye.” To read, I sat in silence listening to voices whispering, "This is it, bye."

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  2. 100wcbyfread.com2 March 2017 at 18:18

    nice story but you should
    -use (principal's) instead of (principles)in your 4th sentence.
    -when somebody says something the first letter of the first word should be a capital, so "This is not a drill students we have an escaped convict running through the halls!"
    -and before the quotations you need a comma
    -after the sentence you need to capitalize the word(our)
    -change (heared) to (heard)

    overall interesting and nice story.

    ReplyDelete

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